This is just another letter to you, knowing you won’t speak to me, but as a chance to say the things I still need to say.
Well, I guess I’ll just come right out and say it. You are my favorite person.
For the past two years, I’ve felt such a deep connection to you that I’ve never felt before with anyone. It started from the very first time I met you, from the very first conversation we ever had. When I looked into your eyes it was like I had met you before, like I had always known you. It was like some dusty old circuit in the deepest most guarded dark corner of my mind was suddenly reconnected, and some rusty old cobwebbed gear train whirred back to life, flooding me with emotion, synchronicity, and deja-vu like I had never felt. I’ve never been able to shut it off since. That’s why I’ve tried to be a good friend this whole time.
I still miss seeing you around, and being in your orbit. I was desperate to spend time with you in any context possible. It never needed to be romantic or anything like that but I just couldn’t stay away. It was like you had a sort of gravitational pull on me, I simply enjoyed spending time together no matter what, even if I had to put myself through pain to do so.
I’ve gone so many years, my entire life, without ever being in a romantic relationship of any kind because I never felt that connection before. That’s why I don’t understand cheating. The whole concept disgusts me, honestly. You should be with the person you want, and if that’s not the person you’re currently with, you need to tell them. I knew it would be unfair to commit to something if my heart wasn’t in it. You must understand that I don’t want anything to change. I need you to know the truth about me, even if you don’t feel the same.
If you feel trapped, you must know that I am never more than a step away and I am always rooting for you. I will be whatever you want me to be, friend, lover, or otherwise, just give me a call and I will stand by your side. I will wait until the end of time for you. If you hate me because of the way I feel, I would understand, and I would disappear forever, slink into the shadows and let you have the life you want without me. I’m sorry this had to come out this way, I’ve struggled with these feelings for a long time now, convinced myself that they weren’t real or tried to will them out of existence, but I simply can’t, it never works. They always resurface, I can’t shut it off and that’s why I needed to tell you.
To be honest, I would never hate you, even if you intentionally hurt me I would love you until the end. I know you do not mean some of the things you say or do, I understand your fear towards me.
But I’m so tired of these feelings… I want to just forget everything from the time we met til now, just so I can live some semblance of a life in peace. So that I don’t have to struggle inside to know if my love for you is just poison for me.
I have my own fears. Fear that you would read these and laugh at me. Fear that you see me as some insecure, insane person that doesn’t understand life. Fear that I have changed myself into something too soft and open to be appreciated.
Since the beginning of my life I was too vulnerable and built these walls to keep myself safe. I’ve always suffered from chronic depression. I became truly aware of what depression was in my 8th grade year. It was the first time I tried to kill myself, purposefully at least. It obviously failed.
Yet as long as you know how I feel about you, I think that is enough for me. As long as you know I am sorry for everything I did, for the ways I’ve acted out of pain and fear. That it’s all part of the same emotion I feel for you, and that is undeniable love.
I love you. And while it hurts to admit, I know you will always be a part of me, for better or for worse.